Sunflowers in the fall

Sunflowers in the fall

Pulling skin off of the earth

Is freshly stabbed by getting bank receipts 

As money 

Growing out of the surface of molly

Cause everyone is green

With vivid colors and short lines of how to end an conversation 

Just every other day with their meanings of

What mood I’ll be in 

Has me thinking impulsive thoughts 

About people surrounding me in my circle 

But my circle of people is only one 

Tapping of champagne glasses 

On my skull is spitting out my blood on the ground of testimony 

Dismissing me and hanging me on a tree 

With deep cuts that are scarred 

By lying clowns and playing dead 

Sunflowers are withering dead

Yet their bright color of light is still glowing gloriously 

Trying to highlight the pains of the breaking of the world 

Can’t fathom why I am not greater than I am now?

Which what I am now is nothing short but basic 

Wishing and pleading to be special in someone’s eyes let alone in my own eyes 

I’m 30 years old and without nothing to show for it 

can’t seem to get free from this house of an dead sentence 

Tho I thought that it would be temporary but here I am waiting for an penalty of being on the streets for not having a paycheck from an place of employment 

Freedom is limited or nonexistent in my life 

Cause if I had freedom to say no then why am I being forced to have bible study?

When I’m tone deaf to the words in red 

So I say in annoyed voice and laugh when things overwhelm me 

How can I take off the edge of being worthless to myself that it’s causing the suicidal thoughts to hit me ten times harder than ever 

Besides I have no one in my life who would genuinely miss me besides a teddy bear but she’ll be in the casket with me 

I hope that my soul would be reborn in an beautiful dove so that way I’ll be finally free to fly 

She came home

From working at the bin 

With her face upside down and her eyes down to the floor 

Carrying on with her rants and torn words 

Has me bend and coughing in 

My coins

On ever having peace again 

My cherry has grown sour and bitter 

I’m tainted with yellow fever 

Of the Tuesday grays 

Cause my sky ain’t aiming for blue 

It’s all red and blank

Tho I keep reloading the gun aiming for my head 

Somehow I keep on missing 

Can’t jinx what can’t be jinxed 

The hand that I dealt with 

Is cold and dry paint 

Splashing on my money 

Is the more that is getting swallowed 

By the pen of printed paper 

On the day that money was in my pocket 

Wouldn’t be such an struggle to get 

Have to give her affirmations just for her to face the day 

Tho to her I sound genuine but I am tired 

She likes the volume loud and her drinks cold filled with ice 

Tho she takes spill from her drink 

In circles like the letters on the board

Feeling light headed over the swirling of the wind 

Can’t be wasteful with that money 

Booking is to be not happy within the idea 

Of having a reason to be happy 

Forever is long and the lights were dull 

This tight ache in my chest 

Of being invisible all my life 

That I won’t know what its like to be seen 

tapping on teeth and eating sweets 

Tying up words to give a telling message 

But just going around in circles 

That door of escape is getting narrower than most 

Has me feeling like I’m a joke 

Cause to others I am 

I’m the circle of no future 

Can’t get life in order 

Wasted time on broken people 

Feeling toxic 

Tho I keep going around and round 

Yet I like to stop and find an way out 

But I don’t and I won’t 

Cause it’s normal to be a loner 

In the dark 

Circling the belt of an wonder of being an star 

When I am just comet orbiting around earth 

But never landing anywhere near the stars 

I defend the moon from the spaceship but it circles back to me getting mistreated 

By the planets of Venus and Mars 

Clocking in the haze of broken while eating cornbread and drinking hot chocolate 

Just to avoid the hunger of the void 

Of being invalid for making payments to the super market for frozen dinners 

It all circle into being fake with their fake words and fake personas 

Can’t beg or even ask for handouts 

Cause that would be an false error of the struggle for the cost of living 

It’s just like the letters of the circle on the board

What’s the mental in the pot

Something is cooking 

Unpolished and broken 

Smells awful

Mentally normal 

In the pot that’s boiling over 

Where’s the purple and blue

In this gray room 

The yogurt is sour 

Yet the grapes are cold 

Looked for the bougie 

While having this stuck up personality 

Praying and praying all day long 

Is making me greenly sick 

Dealing with this inconsistencies 

Selfish people is crumbling my heart 

Turning it black and giving me headaches 

This life is downing and my common sense is shattering 

I keep having suicidal thoughts 

Feeling fearful of being like my mom

She’s an weak person and don’t have a mind of her own 

Doing and following her demanding and insulting sister 

Cause she’s the female wolf 

What she say and my mom must do 

Cuz if not then the female wolf would always have something negative to say 

I can’t deal and I won’t 

What’s the mental in the pot is to not complain and talk to myself 

Tho google says it’s normal for me to talk to myself 

Since I don’t have any friends or a friend whom I could trust to hurt me physically 

Find something that’s affordable for me to live in 

Like living in an RV or apartment even better than that be homeless cuz that’s for free 

Freeing of options for the 4:51 am bedtime 

I am not the sun nor the moon

 the stars in the cocoon 

Where is the stream of hope love?

Are the angels of halos 

Are their wings are made of feathers and plaster?

What is purple and what is gold?

On the wheel of doom 

Where is the right path?

What is fear?

What happened when the light are dim 

When the healing works out of the mend 

What path is the right one for me 

Would I walk the path alone 

Or with someone to hold my hand 

As I walk the steps 

I am not the moon or the sun 

Just an plain observation of nothing 

Can’t believe in myself cause I haven’t been branch out into the world 

I’m not living and not even existing 

More just here out of protest and fear 

Even the stars around the moon 

Has an purpose or an goal 

I have dream too but without an action plan then the dreams that I have are tarnished by being caged in 

The lines of words are blurred

Buttering up the watermelon 

What’s the air in the balloon 

Is the old rags 

What’s safety and whats not?

When the words are blurred then where the truth?

Hollow minds and red lungs 

Broken minds and when the mind is broken then where the hollowness?

Diamond eyes and snake tongues would makes for a soft heart?

When the skin is red what happened to the burn?

Feel like an crumble up paper 

An grasp of anger and frustration 

Is patching up where the floor planks

Are up in the stuck sticky areas of 

Getting worked up over tired of being broken 

Where the line

Of words are still 

Where would the truth goes 

Where the bones are gun 

Nothing but the hurting of the blood which are usefulness of words 

Words has this neck of sticking around 

For the last impression of an deadly impact 

Contemplating things of all things 

Like to whether or not to commit suicide 

What would I miss about not living?

I’ll miss my grandma being the fact that I take care of her 

If I swallow a quarter then how would anyone notice me choking?

Would anyone care to help me?

Would my brothers cry at my funeral?

Would they just not attend?

Roasting up holes in lungs 

In the healing of the heart 

When it won’t process that no one wants it 

That the brain is overthinking to cash in my coin into an fountain of worthless  

Encouragement

He give me little encouragement 

But just to ghosted before I could say thank you 

Putting in dimes in rubber gloves 

Passing it off as judgement 

Feeling insignificant to boy’s talk 

Cause its all about laying up or get disapproval of their go to’s 

Life is low and so is my iPhone’s battery 

Yellow egg salad with cranberry caution 

This red alert is burying me in the dirt 

While I’m telling boys that I am down on my luck 

Just gave them an opening for an escape 

Feel like an stale crumble cookie 

Chocolate pudding stepped on 

Getting threatened by getting hit on 

Over nothing but an phone call 

There’s no love or respect in this home 

Where the windows are sealed

And the doors are locked inside 

With no key 

I dug up on an offer of being polite and obedient 

To filled an demand of all demands 

And yet still I get yelled at 

Hate the loud shrinking noise 

Of me getting recommended

Or restricted by being locked in an padded room with an door that has nothing on it 

Cause even the pad lock is lock 

I didn’t wake up for this nagging control of an mentally unstable mom 

Who nags me all day long when her mind is red but her lungs are blue yet speaking nothing but air 

Yelling nonsense to me can’t learn by 

When all I feel like I’m the wrong error of inputting rubbery and play words 

Into my hands 

Bubbles in my mouth yet feeling like Ophelia

As the water of life keeps drowning me in 

The dying sea 

Covering my face as I crawl through the sea and trying to grasp for air 

My mind is mad and I’m just sad 

The money spent on dr. Pepper and gum 

There’s no encouragement and if it is then it snakes off as fake 

Hung

Cold but the snow isn’t falling

There’s this smell of feeling small

Without even asking to be

I got hang out to dry

Saying that I need to be taught

Is laughable how to assumed

That about me

When I never asked you for your assumptions

The body of water

Dreaming of falling off an cliff

There’s this feeling of being someone’s problem

When I never wanted to be

I never asked you for your help

So why say that I need it now ?when I never did

Especially if the help is from a brother who I don’t care for

Don’t even like as a person

Cause his words are like snakes and his eye are always judging

But his mouth is always moving

Saying nonsense and always assuming

I couldn’t hang out the truth about the pink four walls

Nun is the truth when all I feel hung

With the life is dwell on and the wheel is spun off

What do I have? But nun but an tight rope to hang myself with

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Needles and Pills

Needles and pills 

An stab to the heart 

What’s the blur in the blue?

the sand is cold 

Green stars are on the ceiling 

Making them look like dollar signs 

Selling fish stockings for an small profit

Making doing with what I got 

Living off needles is the dream of 

Pink walls and four corners 

Pills are the forms of fun for the meds 

That people still do just to give their some of meaning 

Without meaning any harm 

The brain and heart are always in pain 

So take an short dose of purple and moonshine 

For saving on the groceries bill

Only buying sodas in cans 

Spaghetti in boxes 

Living for pills 

Shooting with needles 

Working without an income 

Selling are returning to sender 

Commenting on videos 

Is the statement of getting by 

But can’t make with doing life 

On my own 

Cause the volume is too loud 

The only excitement for me 

Is watching reality tv while 

Eating an burnt pancake 

But took an shot just for the pain